When I find myself struggling through the tears to take my next breath. And to think after all this time has passed and somehow I thought I was all better, but yet death won’t come, only dead flowers find me.
You know distractions have a way of presenting themselves with false hopes. You see a distraction is a way out or a way to overcome the grief that has somehow consumed my life. And I ask myself how did I not see it, how did I not hear it, how could you self-destruct and take me down that path with you for nine long years, and cut my heart into tiny pieces with “said” knife.
And here in the days and the months after I said my good-byes, knowing all to well I wanted better for myself then to live a bunch of lies with you. Somehow I find myself under all my distractions and I realize that all it takes is a sound or a song or word to trigger it reluctantly. I wish it weren’t the truth, but yet you haunt me, somehow.
I’m reminded of how I was never enough, for it to be just us. How; somehow beautiful lies covered ugly truths. And that somehow I would believe the lies because you would say but I come home to you every night. But yet somehow I did not see the light. I couldn’t see the light because our death still haunts me.
But the truth was when you weren’t at home you were fucking around and that somehow that made it all alright.
I can’t unimagine the pain away, just because somehow I wish it so. No more then I can smell the painted flowers that hang on all my walls and decorate my home and I hide myself in my flowers; silk, painted and real, just so I can’t feel.
You know flowers are supposed to represent happiness and caring, but for me they drown out all that used to be so when I’m not thinking of you which is more often then not thank God. It can drown out the opportunities that I ignore the urge to cry, that I ignore the urge to remember.
Because what’s there to remember what memories are left to resonate anything that resembles caring or happiness when those things you did to me, keep me up at night.
And I’m drowning in a sea of questions that only beg to ask more questions, more then I can ever find answers to.
And so somehow I beg for morning to come so I can start anew and forget that I ever knew you. So I can breath again without the smell of dead flowers following me every step I take. And as I sit here crying and asking why? Why would you do this? Why would you be so fake?
I say oh dear… why waste your tears on a wasteful man? And at last I feel free to be, yes to just be. That’s what I will be and that’s what I will do. I will just be. I will be me without you.