A story told a thousand times, half the truth retold between the lines and half a lie beneath space and time. But indeed tragic love no matter which way its portrayed. Truth or science fiction, you decide? A terrible love story just like mine. But time heals all things. I may have been very angry when I wrote some if these words, but I’m glad I said them. It was as if saying them outloud helped me to overcome my hatred, cause now I feel less resentment and ready to let go. Not by means of suicide but verbally all the ugly is out of me and I’m ready to see and live in the beautiful world around me. However keep this in mind I do not wish to die for love. I’m not heroic in any sense of the term nor was I meant to be a martyr and continue live a life that wasn’t right for me. At this point in my life I hope my ex will look at his mistakes and learn from them and find someone he will treat right and be good to and maybe then I can forgive him. But I resent him less and less everyday that I’m away from the gas-lighting.
In the morning when the sun rose above the clouds, I did notice this peculiar thing…. that half of me was gone.
Then again as the sun set below the clouds I did notice that the half of me that belonged to you was still gone.
I thought to myself where has a whole day gone without the other half of me here to notice the beautiful sun rising in this beautiful place.
As the sun began to do as it usually does and changed the color of the skies and clouds to beautiful oranges and pinks and blues I thought to myself did he really need to have half of me when he could of been here watching the sun too?
Or is that how tragic love lives and dies?
Is it in the passing of each day when only one of you is looking to the sky at the wonder and amazement of life and all the beautiful things in it, while the other half of you has already said goodbye.
To all the Romeo’s and Juliet’s out there; love does not have to be tragic it can be beautiful if you try. Even broken hearts can see the beauty around them maybe even notice it in a way you can not, because after all we have nothing to gain or lose anymore we just exist to get from one day to the next without noticing how much a broken heart hurts. So the next time you see someone admiring something beautiful in the world maybe you should stop to admire it too.
midnight sun~ Speck Mountain
The clouds were like an alabaster palace rising to a snowy height.
Each star it’s own aurora borealis, suddenly you held me tight,
I could see the midnight sun.
The music of the universe around me, or was that a nightingale?
And then your arms miraculously found me, suddenly the sky turned pale,
I could see the midnight sun.
But after you were gone, there was still some stardust on my sleeve.
And we may see the meadow in december, icy white and crystalline.
But oh my darling always i’ll remember when your lips were close to mine,
And we saw the midnight sun
It is rather important to follow this link and read this short explanation of Alice getting gas-lighted. It is rather interesting and comical all at the same time. However my real life was much like this, but it was not so funny. But the truth is when you are constantly confounded by your circumstances even if they are completely absurd, “the gas-lighter” will make it seem like the craziness seems normal and your the crazy one for reacting to the absurdity of the lies!
So then just when they are about to call Alice as a witness
(despite the fact that what the fuck could she possibly know)
her genome finally succumbs to the tremendous strain she’s put it under
by repeatedly changing size
and she starts growing for no reason at all
and everyone is like “STOP GROWING IT IS ILLEGAL”
and she’s like “FUCK YOU GUYS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT I’M A GIANT”
which is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULDN’T LEAVE BOTTLES OF GROWTH HORMONE EVERYWHERE
but just when the shit is getting real
who is the new god of this tiny stupid world
The following has been brought to you in third person by the following publishing company; greenhouse gases. We claims no personal responsibility for any confusion that may ensue while or after reading this and recommend not to ingest anything that may or may not look edible. We do not condone drug use of any kind or attempting to go down any rabbit holes. With this being said, let me introduce you to the informal cosmic egg. Hello everybody as you may have remembered from my previous blogs I am the creator, I am indeed the one who gave birth to this relationship and for those of you gathered here today that have not met me I am the cosmic egg aka the queen of hearts.
I’ve been involved in a detailed investigation to gather information on the previously mentioned suspect, “the gas-lighter”. After careful investigation and endless man hours spent combing through the web of lies and the mountain of evidence and stopping just briefly to have some tea, I am inclined to therefor indite this man on grounds of; falsification, perjury and domestic battery in which “the gas-lighter” intentionally forced the victim to swallow their bullshit, lies and cheating for nine years. I do hereby petition for a Writ of Mandamus, “off with his head”.
And so there you have it folks, the queen of hearts has spoken. She has made her mind up enough with the nonsense. The cosmic egg can rest with out fear of breaking, and the queen of hearts can learn to be a little softer and move forward to the new deck of cards that lay before her. She is not quite ready to pick them up or even shuffle them, but for sure she is done playing solitaire and living a life refrained from inner peace. She will in time find her center, she will in time heal from these wounds. But for now she is able to see herself in a different light when looking in the mirror, she doesn’t feel the need to up the ante. Of course she folded if that’s what your wondering. Why on earth do you think she would stay in Wonderland, that place is fucked up.
In Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland . Alice exclaimed, ‘‘Let me think:
was I the same when I got up this morning?
I almost think I can remember feeling
a little different. But if I’m not the same,
the next question is, Who in the world
am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.’’
Probably one of the most talented and interesting artist of our time, he very well may have taught me where I really stand in all this. My heart, my intellect and my sanity is a lot bigger if I just look at it from a different persons perspective. I am able to see the bigger picture here and I’m discovering a whole new world around me, with a lot of normal humans cohabiting on it. Its a great world to live in, don’t you think?
Dreams may sometimes seem vague or without purpose and then there are those dreams that can be both tragic or enlightening, they can leave you in tears when you wake up. From my own experience I can tell you if you are living with a narcissist and/or gas lighter get out now, run as fast as you can. I tell you this because I have lived with one for over 9 years and it took a dream to finally open my eyes to years of hurt and I’ve sacrificed real happiness to let a little piece of me die everyday to stay with someone I knew deep down inside was not good for me.
So here is what I discovered; the lady that said, “a chameleon doesn’t always change their colors to fit their surroundings, sometimes its to fit their mood;” was on point!
If you are with a man who has cheated and/or you continue to catch him in lies or you feel like this person tries to convince you a lie is the truth, even though you feel that they may be blowing smoke up your…wow, beep, aka a$$… then sister you better believe them gut instincts. Those instincts are not making you feel somethings wrong because your insecure. That’s your intuition trying to save your pretty little a$$ from a lifetime of hurt. This man that you have questions about their character, they will defeat and deflate you. I tell you this, because that is exactly what happened to me. After one of our breakups and makeups a girlfriend actually said to me I can’t watch while he defeats and deflates you as a person anymore. At the time her words didn’t resonate, but now I can see what she meant by that. It’s sad, it’s devastating and I still cry when I think of everything, because the whole relationship was a lie. Every moment… every memory its all a lie.
So I had a dream last year when traveling out of state to see “him” the gas-lighter. I woke up in tears and when he woke up and asked if I was ok I repeated my dream to him still crying and he was like babe its just a dream, its not real.
In my dream we are in a parking garage getting ready to leave when a girl walks up to my window. I roll it down and she says who are you and I say my name and she is like bitch that’s my boyfriend “the gaslighter” and I’m like excuse me, we have been together for 8 years and then before I can say anything else he drives off and I wake up crying.
I had forgotten all about this dream, because at the time when he woke up and I retold him the dream; he told me it’s just a dream, it’s not real. So even while I had my suspicions during the past two years that he has been working out of state, I tried not to focus on that because he had made promises to be a better man and to be faithful to me, even proposed to me to prove his re-commitment. I believed these lies, because one I loved him and two I wanted to feel that this was the one thing he was being honest about. Even though deep inside me I knew most of our relationship was built on a foundation of lies, but I couldn’t see that at the time.
Somehow he managed to always keep the disrespect, the cheating, the lying and the sneaking off to the bar and the unanswered calls and texts coming; constantly. He always had a great excuse for all of it, always had a good lie to make it seem like I was tripping. I could barely get over one hurdle before the next hurdle was there to jump over; before he was coming at me with another one of his mind-fu$#!ng games.
If your with a man who accuses you of over-exaggerating a situation or reading into something that isn’t anything. Then you better believe that nothing means anything. Not if your listening to this little man with no couth, who is always coming at you and making you feel your questions are invalid and your not entitled to an opinion or a thought of your own, cause your acting crazy. I’m here to tell ya ladies, crazy can’t be measured by a level of someones reaction, but rather it should be measured by your level of tolerance. So don’t forget that and don’t believe him when he says your acting crazy.
Believe your intuition, trust them gut instincts that tell you something isn’t right. I don’t want to see you go through it for as long as I did. You still have a chance to find a reason to smile again, you will find another reason to breathe again, you will realize in time when he is not around that you can be better again.
They say a person being gas-lighted feels the only way out is murder or suicide. Can I tell you how many times I thought the only way out was to end my life. It never occurred to me to just off him.
I don’t think it would have really mattered had I offed myself, because the truth is when he realizes that all his training he has put into brain washing me is down the drain, because I’m already gone and I’m done, he will find another to mold into his mindless puppet. So it wouldn’t matter if I had moved away, changed my number and fell off the face of the earth or had I committed suicide, its all the same to him. Nothing will matter when your gone, because he is off to the next girl prepping her to believe lies are truth. I was never a real person to him, because had I been, he would have respected me, respected our relationship, respected the sanctity of monogamy. And I know what your going to say. It’s not his fault he is a sex-addict. I don’t buy that shit, a sex-addict is capable of feeling remorse. This man has no remorse, he only wants to know when I’ve chilled out so he can do it all over again.
As soon as I would let go of one problem we were off to the next problem.
He would start his drama, not my drama, his drama. You know… the bullshit; the cheating, the lying, the gaslighting. Mind games, that’s what they are. Nothing more, nothing less.
So I recently had the same dream again in the garage with this girl coming at me saying this is her man and him driving off. You know what he tells me this time. One he doesn’t remember the night he woke up to me crying and telling him about this dream. Its like he is acting like he doesn’t remember. Then he precedes to say no he is not cheating and its just a dream. And then begins to tell me he sometimes has the same dream, but its nothing.
Well hello??? Isn’t everything nothing if I’m questioning it?
Of course I remembered what the lady had said, that he will back himself into a corner and he will not be able to lie himself out of it now that you know he is gas-lighting you.
I thought to myself what are the chances, what are the odds that I have the same dream a year later. Then the eye opener came, a few days later; he said one word and I instinctively knew, aha POF.
The word he spoke that reminded me of his login name for his POF, is the name of our dog. He took our dogs name and combined it with our street name that we live on. Original huh?
Four years ago when I 1st suspected he was cheating because of his behavior changes, he had went from bad to worse and I just knew he had to be cheating. Why else would he be unavailable all the time when I called or texted, because there was no other excuse or explanation for why he had did a 180; his phone couldn’t always be on the charger or that he didn’t get the phone call from me or see where I had called or that he was sleeping again.
There it was ladies, when I went and did a search of a man that matched what he looks like with his location and age, it was right there in front of my face. Every last detail fit him; it stated he is single, isn’t seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment. So at the time when I confronted him 4 years ago and he denied it, convinced me it had to be someone else. I fell for it, I let it go cause I had no proof. It was like the POF accusation went POOF cause why would I want to keep acting crazy if I couldn’t prove it. No picture no proof , right?
Thing of it is though when I made that connection with him saying our dogs name and wondering what his POF profile said, because you know years of cheating makes you into a detective even if that’s not your thing. Trust me if you stay with him, it will be your thing.
So I do a POF search and you know what it says when I look up this profile that didn’t belong to him, it stated the state he was living in last year, not the state we reside in that it originally said 4 years ago, but it did indeed have an updated location to the state he was living in last year. Now I don’t think there’s any coincidence in that irony.
Surely this profile that doesn’t belong to him you know the one that has; his height, his age, his hair type, his eye color, his details about his personalty, his lifestyle and his age, surely this guy couldn’t have moved out of state to the exact same location as he had been living in, that would be too weird. So I didn’t confront him with the proof. I chose a different option. I chose to wake up from this nightmare. I chose to believe what this lady had said to me and to acknowledge that I was being gas-lighted. I decided for once in my life with him that I don’t want to hear what lies he comes up with this time. When he re-committed to me 2 years ago. When he said he was going to treat me better and be good to me that was all gas-lighting and nothing else. He only said those things to make things better at that time, because of the time and investment he had put into making me his mother fucking puppet….
So if you already recognize yourself to be a detective, I’m here to tell you, don’t waste your time. It’s useless, if your not going to leave him. Playing detective it will consume you and catching him in the lie doesn’t bring gratification where you can say hey I told you so, because he will say this is what I’m talking about you crazy fu$#!ng b!tch. Wow now if ever a man spoke truer, angrier words to show you he has no remorse and no respect, I’m pretty sure those are the exact words that man will use. I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard that one, when I would confront him.
Like the time I found tinder open on his phone and he was only on there because all the guys at work were doing it. Or how about the time he was texting a girl a picture of our dogs, and then I called this girl with a “guys name in his phone contacts” to find out who he was, haha I already knew it was a girl you dumb ass. As soon as I saw the picture I knew, that was those gut instincts kicking in. You know he had the nerve to tell this girl he had a roommate at home that’s why he never brought her to our house and of course she proceeded to say how sorry she was, that she never would have talked to him had she known he had a girlfriend. He told me after this break-up and then one of his lets make up I love you bullshit lies, he told me nothing ever happened between them, he told me he hadn’t cheated on me. That he was only talking to her because we were having problems and he needed a friend, he needed someone to talk to. Wow the thing was the only reason we were having problems is, because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, somehow I needed to accept this blame, this lie because how could it be his fault if he could make it my fault instead.
Aha… you see where the gas-lighter makes you believe lies are truth. However, maybe I am crazy for staying, but all these episodes of cheating lead to me moving out, telling myself it was over and him some how convincing me that it wasn’t what it looked like. He was only on tinder cause he was bored, he never actually met any of these women. Or how about when I found the receipt for the hotel on his discover card around the time he was referring to me as the roommate that it was a false charge and they took it off his credit card. Its funny how a lie will crumble if you find the right angle to get to the truth, because when I came home from work that night and I said well I can look her number up on my verizon and we will call her and see if the two of you meet up at the hotel and then he immediately confessed that he had went in to the hotel, had paid for the room and thought about things after, while he was sitting there waiting for her to get there, so his conscious got to him and he left. Trust me this dumb a$$ detective fell for it, maybe I didn’t want to look crazy if she said they never slept together or maybe I wasn’t ready to face the truth had she said yes they had slept together or maybe I was afraid she wouldn’t want to hurt me and then she would lie too and say no when they really had. Or how about the time one of my girlfriends and her husband saw him out at the bar in his car kissing another woman. Or how about here’s the kicker girls your going to love this lie I fell for. I was only online looking on craigslist casual encounters cause I’m bored and I just like reading what people write, listen… these girls aren’t even real. Half of them are men and the other half are ugly as fuck or prostitutes. Huh…wow at the time I was just so sucked into his lies I couldn’t find a way to breathe because I was suffocating, I couldn’t find a way to smile, because he had defeated and deflated me as a person. I couldn’t fathom that he would be sleeping with girls off of there. I couldn’t even wrap my brain around it till now. He was paying for a hotel to f#ck these girls, so he was essentially f$#!ng prostitutes. WOW see this is why I cry, not that he hurt me not that he destroyed my life. I cry now because I can’t believe how stupid I look. I’m wide awake now, mad as fuck at him as I analyze the last 9 years of my life and even madder at myself for being such a fool and for being so dumb and naive and for discounting every time my intuition said something different then what he was telling me. I think how he could have gave me AIDS. He could of not only fucked my life over like he did, but he could of killed me, he could of took away my opportunity to find someone good. To find someone who wants the same things as me in life.
I will tell you again: get out while you can and I hope you will listen. I hope you will leave! I will pray for you to see the truth even if it is staring you in the face and you can’t see it, I will pray for you, because someone should. And I think someone had to have been praying for me, just too many coincidences for someone to have not been looking out for me. Things happen for a reason and I hope the reason is not for me to go from this abusive relationship into the next one fearing they will also be abusive. I don’t want what one evil man did to me to constantly leave me in fear. I want to be strong and to be fearless some day.
When your in an abusive relationship such as gas-lighting, you honestly don’t see things the way other people do, because someone has trained you not to believe in the facts that are staring you right in the face, because they want you to think your crazy. They say crazy people don’t know their crazy. Here’s what I say to that; if someone is calling you crazy you should question why they would say that to you if they are supposed to love you. To call someone crazy when you know there not just so you can make them question their own ability to make a decision for themselves, well that’s like some Alice in Wonderland shit.
Gaslighting: to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
I have heard of the double conundrum, but check this out. What about a triple conundrum… Ponder on that for a moment and let’s go back to the title of this posting.
What is the most curious letter?
-Why would someone who is supposed to love you gas-light you?
I don’t have all the answers, I do however have all the facts lined up. I am able to analyze and gain some perspective from all this. I know I’m not dumb, I’m rather intelligent. But he made me feel dumb, foolish, naive and well just plain stupid in hindsight. Hindsight is everything. You use it to be a better person. You use it to learn valuable lessons. You take those lesson in life and you reflect on those things. You think about how it will affect you when you move forward from conflicts and how it has changed you as a human being. I know he made me believe I was too dumb to believe what I knew was the truth. But this why? Why would he do that to me? It’s killing me. From some where deep inside my heart, I think to myself why or how could another human being do this to someone. I think ok, if I’m going to put this in perspective I need a new perspective. So I found one and it doesn’t have to make perfect sense. It just needs to make sense of the imperfect conflict that I am dealing with.
In philosophy, “the Absurd” refers to the conflict between the human tendency to seek inherent value and meaning in life and the human inability to find any. In this context absurd does not mean “logically impossible”, but rather “humanly impossible”. The universe and the human mind do not each separately cause the Absurd, but rather, the Absurd arises by the contradictory nature of the two existing simultaneously.
So I guess what I can deduct from this is that although I want to believe another human being wouldn’t hurt someone in such a manner. I need to grasp the concept that I may never know why, because absurd behavior can’t be reasoned with, you can’t deduct an answer from a context where nothing means anything.
Albert Camus believed, “Acceptance of the Absurd: a solution in which one accepts the Absurd and continues to live in spite of it.”
So this is what I will do. I will live in spite of the hell I lived through, because I don’t have to make sense of it or reason out all the why’s. You know curiosity killed the cat, how’s that for ending this paragraph with an idiom?
The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well That, for all they care, I can go to hell, But on earth indifference is the least We have to dread from man or beast. How should we like it were stars to burn With a passion for us we could not return? If equal affection cannot be, Let the more loving one be me. Admirer as I think I am Of stars that do not give a damn, I cannot, now I see them, say I missed one terribly all day. Were all stars to disappear or die, I should learn to look at an empty sky And feel its total dark sublime, Though this might take me a little time.